Thinking

The weather has officially changed here. It will be rainy and windy on and off for the foreseeable future. I don't mind the change in the weather. It seems I am always photographing in the rain. The colors are more saturated.
Late afternoon, yesterday, I took the dogs for a walk on the trail along the Loup River. I had been avoiding it as in the summer it is very crowded. Now, it was myself and 3 fisherman. It was about 4 pm and dark as the river flows through a canyon. The big tall trees had dropped many of their brown leaves and we kicked through them. Kate had no qualms about going in the water for a stick. She didn't go all the way in. It was too cold. 

I was thinking about how connected I am to the earth, and nature. I have been here almost a year. I try to imagine being back in California and I just can't. 

I am glad I had my time living in New York. It gave me 18 years of city living. I loved my time spent there. I loved ( and still love) New York, but I could never live there again. It was a chapter from long ago. I was a different person then. 
There are things I would change about that time if I could, probably many things, but all and all, New York made me what I am today, for better or for worse. 

I love California too. It is such a beautiful place. When I think of it, it seems empty to me. It does not feel like any kind of home. Yes, I have a house there and a garden that wait for me, but I don't feel connected to it or to California. 
Will I go back and see it differently after this experience? 

When I first got here, I thought I was so enamored with everything because it was different, because it was new. Now, like on our walk last night, I see that it's not that it's new. I think I just feel better surrounded by this environment...the nature, the culture, the history, the people and so much more. 

In the US, it seems so commercialized. You have to spend money to do everything. I find myself missing Macys! Of all things. I miss movies and sushi. 
But if I was to leave here, I would miss the river, the trees, the hills, the festivals, the people, the history, the culture...so much more... 
But, do I love it so much because it's different? I don't know.
I feel comfortable here. There is the language issue, but I'm getting there. I would like to have more French friends...not so easy....

I have found that I have the ability to completely adapt to a new circumstance and blur the past and the future. It's almost like my photography. I love to shoot narrow depth of field. Only a small part of an image will be in focus. It could be the thinnest blade of grass. All else is blurred into beautiful color.
The present for me is in sharp focus. I am far removed from my life in California and I don't seem to want to make any decisions about the future at this moment. 
I can't imagine doing anything but improving my life right here and right now ( I want to find another house here) ...

But, my photography is changing. I have been shooting a lot for the stock agency and they will not take my short depth of field images. For them , I have to start having focus and definition. I can see the change in my work. I am shooting landscapes, which is not usual for me. I am also interested in doing these portraits, so something is happening . Something is growing. Something is changing.

I look at my life in SF from afar now. A lot of time has passed. I see, as with my memories of New York, there are a lot of things I would change. I wish I had never moved to SF. Perhaps had I not moved there, I would never be here. If I had not moved to SF, I would have ended up here one way or another, I'm sure. All of the life I have lived so far, all of the paths I have taken ( willfully or not) have led me to where I am right now. That much is true.

I keep the focus soft on the past to make my life here, now, pop! In comparison.




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